June 3rd, 2006 If there is one thing I've learned lately it would be that people can be really fake sometimes. Anyway, I went to Barnes and Noble the other day with a friend and ended up buying C.S. Lewis's book that I've heard such good things about, "Mere Christianity". I also am borrowing the book "Blue Like Jazz" to read as well, so I'm actually excited to start reading them as well as a book study I will be doing on "The Purpose Driven Life" by Warren. I went with my brothers to see "V for Vendetta" at the 1.50 movie theatre yesterday. I really enjoyed it and it will probably make it on my Christmas list even though that's 6 months away. I got my haircut, it's extremely short, check it out: (link removed) . Ok well I guess that's all the updates for now. I'm still waiting for my car to be painted, its hard not to get anxious. Lately it seems like I've been needing to tie off or even out or get straight a lot of my past and present relationships with friends. I hate feeling like I'm not being the person God wants me to be, or that I'm not being a good enough friend, or close enough sibling, or whatever the case may be. Oh well. Prayer gets me through it. June 4th, 2006 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" -Hebrews 12:2A A few notes from the sermon today: (1 John 1:5-2:2) -God is light. -If God is light, what should our attitude be about sin? -Consider the seriousness of sin and cherish the savior from sin. -Do we take sin seriously? -Sin dampens love, shrinks affection, destroys fellowship, erodes faith, wars peace, ruins relationships, etc. (This list was really long, listen to the Providence website to hear the mp3 of the sermon for the whole list, I couldn't take them all down at once). -Sin never comes through on what it promises. -Hate Sin, Involve yourselves with Christian fellowship, and cherish your savior by faith. -Advocate- one who speaks to the father, in our defense. The true marks of a caring person: inquiring, listening, understanding. H20 Notes: 3 marks of a genuine knowledge of God: 1- Obedience to God (Keep his commandments, but don't claim perfection, growing in sensitivity and attentiveness to God's word). 2- Follow the pattern of life we see in Jesus. 3- Love for our brothers and sisters in Christ. June 7th, 2006 Today was a good day so far and I'm excited about tomorrow. I am going with a few friends down to the beach for the second time this summer. My car is almost done. I know, I know I've been saying this for the past two weeks it seems. It is just a slow process and little things keep pushing it back a few days. Anyway, I went to go to visit Campbell University where I am planning to go on the fall the other day. It was good and bad. I like the campus, and the people and lots of faculty that I met all seem really nice. I like the reputation and general idea of going to the school. But, the major that I will be doing there is technically called "Church Music". It's more of a music major, with an applied instrument, and lots of other religious studies as well. The problem is, I have to choose an applied instrument, two actually. One of them HAS to be piano, and the other I was torn between guitar and trombone. I've very talented at both, but I really don't see myself doing anything with trombone outside of school, or in the future at all for that matter. So, I thought about doing guitar as my major, with a minor in religious studies and church music, but the guitar would be classical style and not contemporary. I would have to learn a whole new way of playing a new guitar. Granted, I would learn a lot and it would probably be fun. But trombone would be such bigger of a breeze for me to do. But that's stupid. So I'll probably end up going "with my heart" on this one and stick with classical guitar. Who knows, I will probably increase my playing abilities ten fold and learn a whole lot more than I thought I did anyway. Either way I'm excited about going there and getting away from Raleigh for a little bit. Although I still plan to come home on the weekends I guess it really depends on my homework load. I will have to see how that works out. I also don't have a roommate yet, so if anyone knows anyone going to Campbell that needs a roommate, email me. Also, I wanted to congratulate the class of 2006 who graduated high school this year. I know a few of you who read this and I wanted to say I'm proud of you! I hope everyone is having a good week! June 12th, 2006 I wish past relationships weren't scaring me away from new ones, but they are. Why can't I make myself feel a certain way or act a certain way? I wish I could just tell myself how I want to be and then I could just be that way. What I should do and the way I should think are so blatantly obvious it kills me that I can't just BE that way... oh well, too bad its not that easy. People come and go in your life faster than you can blink. I wish I could just be thankful for the people I have in my life and learn to love the people who actually care about me. Anyway, here are a few notes from Sunday: "Listen and Live/The call of Wisdom" - Proverbs 1:20-33 -Life is a hurricane, God is the eye. -Wisdom to build our life upon is available to us -Rejecting God's wisdom results in staggering consequences. (We reject God by being stubborn to his will, being insensitive to his touch, indifferent to the treasure of his word, and being defensive about our sin). -James 1:5,19-21, Acts 17:11, Colossians 2:3, Proverbs 4:7, 6:23-24, 22:3,21-24, 27:22) -Tune your heart to rightly receive God's wisdom. (Desire wisdom enough to pray for it, and prepare your life to receive it. Come with a teachable attitude and with eyes seeing and savoring Christ). H20: I John 2:12-17 -Sin is the rejection of God. -We do not receive what we deserve from sinning, because our sin has been wiped clear. -It is in God's commitment to uphold the honor of his name. -God has sought us out and rescued us, so we can say in humility that we know the triune God. -I John 5:19, I Timothy 4 -The love of the world and the love of the Father do not go together. The whole world is in opposition to God. -Be discerning in this world about what you can and can't and should and shouldn't enjoy. -Blowing bubbles, skydiving with no parachute (living in sin parallels) -Love: affection and devotion I know I keep saying my car is almost done, but this time it hopefully really is. The weather hasn't been too good the past week or so, so with the humidity its hard to get some of the painting done without getting some ugly bubbles. Maybe this week will be the week. I've been bogged down a lot recently with Campbell work. I have had to fill out numerous forms and stuff and keep sending and receiving stuff back and forth. Oh well, it's a part of college I guess. I'm excited to get away and meet new people and be in a new environment where I can start my own life with a new reputation because honestly I hate the one that I have right now. I really think people don't know me for the person I am. Although, I can't say that I care that much I just wish it didn't have such negative aspects on the people I actually care about. I want to try and record a praise and worship CD I've decided. Hopefully this summer, but I might have to wait a while since I'll be at school in the fall if I don't get it done I don't know how much free time I will have there to work on anything. I also want to get to play another show sometime soon and play with the full band again. We'll see. A lot is going on with me right now and it seems for some odd reason I'm always doing things and I'm busier in the summer than I am when I am at school. It's weird how that works. Anyways, that's all the time I have for today. Sorry the journal has been kinda slow. June 14th, 2006 Ok its official. I am broke. That is all. June 15th, 2006 Wow what a night. I had dinner with old friends today back from the middle school days and it brought back a lot of memories. Some were good, some were bad, some were hard to remember, some I didn't want to remember, some I had trouble forgetting, some were refreshing to hear, and some made me really think about who I am today. I really don't care at all for my reputation that I have for myself among the friends that I have. I guess you could say that I have a lot of regrets, which has never been something that I like to have. I just wish I could go back and live my life a second time and do things differently. No matter what it is about I feel like I could have done things slightly (or in some cases vastly) different and my life now would make so much more sense and I would have a better idea of who I am today. I don't know the point in saying all of this I guess I'm just in shock at seeing how my life was five years ago and then seeing how it is today and how different they are and how much I've forgotten my past. Like I said in a previous journal, I guess in a way that is why I am excited about going to Campbell in the fall. I will have a new life to begin and new friends to make and a new reputation to start over with. Oh and I don't think I've said this yet, but I decided to major in guitar with a concentration in church music and ministry (meaning classical guitar will be my applied instrument, and not trombone). Anyway, I guess I just feel a lot different about myself now that I've actually sat back and thought about my life and where it was that I came from and where I am now and the person I am now. I don't like having regrets because I know that things happen for a reason and that I learn valuable lessons from them and that they make me a part of who I am. I guess I just wish I had a less dramatic life up to the point I am now. Oh well, just a few thoughts for today. It has been 4 months and a day since my accident and its amazing how much even has changed since then. Life goes by so fast I hate to think how much I might have missed or overlooked. Never take life for granted. June 17th, 2006 Life isn't hard; we just make it that way. Life isn't confusing. It actually makes a lot of sense; we just lack the sense to understand it. Either that or in our heart we actually do understand it and just don't like what we have realized. In everything, remember that there is no such thing as luck or coincidence, everything happens for a reason. June 20th, 2006 It has been a crazy past few days. What have I learned? It's all about perspective. June 21st, 2006 Wow ok, so I have had this journal for a while now, but I don't think I have had one in which I ranted. So here it goes. Work today sucked. For those who don't know, I am a cook and normally on a week day we have 3 cooks online for 3 stations, but today we had 4 and I don't know why. And I guess this meant everyone felt like slacking off so I was working 2 stations myself trying to make up for their laziness. I was being yelled at by my manager and the other cooks were just making fun of me saying how I'm slow and I need help cooking because I can't keep up. But they were just standing there doing nothing and I was trying so hard not to lose my temper with them or my manager. Not to mention, almost nothing was prepped so I was making a lot of the food on spot which makes it extremely difficult to get the food out right on time. Eventually I just lost it and felt like I was going to punch somebody so I walked out and left the other cooks with the mess and late food in the kitchen. Oh well. Another thing that bugs me is television. I can't stand it. There are millions of shows that I can't stand but I don't feel like listing them. But the ones I really can't stand are the ones about the celebrity's lives. I can't even stand to hear about whose baby's daddy got pictures in there front yard by some stupid paparazzi or who lost 5 pounds overnight before the red carpet or what couple just broke up and its like the end of the world. NO ONE CARES ABOUT CELEBRITIES! I hate looking at tabloids or sometimes they pervert the newspaper and like I've been talking about this whole time... the television. I think Access Hollywood is the worst one out there. Also people dedicate too much of their time to the stupid boob tube anyways. I don't watch hardly any TV at all and I'm glad because every time I watch more than an hour I feel like a bum. I don't see how so many people can just watch TV for an afternoon or flip thru channels late at night for hours. Oh well. Alright I'm done venting. I've had such an interesting past week. I've come to realize drama and rumors really like me. I can't seem to get away from it. And then just when I think I have, it all comes back. I can't wait to go to school to get away from so many things here. I don't like to think I'm running from my problems. I just want to start a new life in some ways. Clean slate. I can't stand how my parents don't trust me and treat me like I'm 15. They need to let me grow up BEFORE I move out, not after. They tell me I'm still under their rules when I'm living under their roof. I agree with this concept, but I shouldn't have to ask permission to do something like open a bag of chips or go to a friends house. I think letting them no where I am going should be suffice. I mean its not like I'm doing drugs or drinking or coming home at 4 AM. Oh well. I'm starting to rant again so I better end this entry here. June 24th, 2006 I recorded a new song and had a close friend lay some poetry over the top of it, so be sure and check out my latest song called "Weathered Diction": (link removed) I look like a tomato. I went to the beach yesterday with some friends and got lots of sun. Anyway, It's still all about perspective. Well, I'm going to Florida for a week. Maybe it will give me some time to straighten things out. P.S. I really feel like ice skating.